gave up on a dream

I've been thinking a lot about dreams from my childhood trying to find what I want out of life... and I think I gave up on my dream that was music-adjacent. Someone asked me to teach them voice lessons a few years ago (because I'm a singer) and while I have wild imposter syndrome, I possibly could do it for beginners. In addition to not actually being a teacher, I feel like I'm barely a singer, too. I've been slowly unpacking my feelings, but only slowly, since it's a bit of a sore spot. I really thought I'd study music in college - so much so that I sort of cheated my way into taking music classes by declaring myself a humanities major with an emphasis in music. I took, what, three years? Maybe only three semesters? of sight-singing, dictation, and music theory, but I wasn't accepted during either of my auditions. My voice teacher the second time was a grad student at the time and she told me there just weren't enough spots for everyone, and under different circumstances I would have qualified... but I didn't want to wait around and hope next year would be the year. And, honestly, I didn't have plans for what I could possibly do with a vocal performance degree. I just WANTED it, which you know, still kind of valid. Not like I've done anything with my current degree. 

I saw some guy on tiktok say he started doing his thing on tiktok just for fun, but interestingly doing more of what he loved did end up providing more opportunities to do it. It's just that most of the opportunities I've seen so far do involve a small fee and like... commitment. Those are two things I don't have a lot of - money and time commitments haha. I've spent my whooooole life trying to be a good mom, preparing myself for motherhood, being available to my children, putting everyone's needs ahead of mine. It's hard to prioritize myself and my needs.

So anyway I've also thought about dance classes - how I would love it! But I also have foot pain, so dancing around seems a bit foolhardy until I resolve the ankle problems. (I looked into running, though, after jogging to get one of my kid's their music on time for a performance, and running shoes are easily 100-200, sad face) Music is sort of accessible, maybe I should prioritize putting my piano upstairs in my room so I feel more comfortable playing it... not in front of my husband's office. Heh. I hate practicing in front of others, though when the piano calls I'll usually get over it. Vocally, I'm not sure. I always hated practicing (messing up) in front of others. Singing lots of high shrill notes that feel really nice, but aren't nice to hear over and over and over and over.... so yeah a more private space to practice is nice. Maybe that will be my top priority this week (even though there's other things I should do, moving the piano could be nice). 

We're trying to clean the house before our camping trip, and we probably should get ready for the camping trip (though I'm hoping it's a little more chill this time, since we're already planning on two cars and won't be strictly tent camping (we have a couple yurts for the group, but they only have enough bedding for five! So we'll have two yurts and two tents I guess...). Less cots I think? We also were packing THAT DAY and I think I'm mentally well enough this year that we won't be doing that. We have experience from last year at least.