I did something! pt 2

 Without drugs though. Just... tears? Boredom? Anyway I've been slowly clearing off the counters today. I started by cleaning the spot where the dish drainer goes, since my husband washed it and put it across the kitchen. I figured after all he did, that last step probably felt pretty overwhelming. But for some reason it tickled that spot in my brain that felt productive and kind of easy to do? 

I've been teary this morning though. It's like productivity, cleaning trash off the counters or cooking or washing dishes, all make me think of Mom. Lots of things make me think of her, but sometimes it's so intense, like borderline panic attack, but since I didn't have a device to dissociate with, I just kept thinking of her, sniffling, and cleaning. Or even sitting. I sat on my porch to take a break, and I was looking at the little purple wildflowers growing in our backyard, and they made me think of my mom. I talked with my husband about it, how I'm trying not to keep it inside how everything makes me think of her and it makes me a little sad... like I don't always want to cry, but I am constantly bouncing between sadness and other feelings. Moments where I feel that pang of grief. It's a bummer, a little, but today I did manage to work though it. Maybe it helped that I stayed in bed until like 10:30, so I sort of had energy, and then two cups of coffee back to back. I actually meant to have another cup around 3 but I forgot until past 4, and that's my hard line - no caffeine after 4. 

Oh so Mtn Dew has a "dirty cream soda" flavor, and it tastes like key lime pie to me, I actually really love it (though the bubbles still annoy me, the flavor makes it worth it, and cream sodas aren't quite so painful to me). But as I was smelling the soda this morning, well, key lime pie makes me think of my mother (she loved that flavor of pie). Makes me a little sad. Like.... the sadness isn't quite as overwhelming, but it also IS sad. Sigh, I miss my mommy. 

Anyway, I picked up baby's dirty clothes this morning, did the counter tops of a couple different areas, and then I played Sable and made mac and cheese and dumplings for the kids, and then I convinced my husband to take the kids to the park while I kept cleaning, and I did a pretty thorough cleaning of a large counter and most of the bar. It's nice. I mostly need the counter and the ends of the island. I might do the end over the dishwasher because that's probably going to be easy, and I can get all the dumb little crackers that kept getting shoved from the bar to the counter. I obviously got the ones off the counter. We'll see how I feel after writing all this down, I played music while the kids were gone (except my second child, they decided to hang out in their room) and danced and cleaned. So now I'm pretty tired. Maybe I'll actually get a bath. Oh before starting the kitchen I actually put baby's clothes in the wash, along with our sheet... which I will need to figure out if it doesn't dry in time... I think we have a clean one but I don't remember? I cleaned some boxes and old cereal bags out of the laundry room, too - second child had done an overhaul of the pantry so the floor is clear and all the cans are together, got a bunch of empty boxes but there were still a few left and new ones that had been emptied and left since they cleaned it out. 

Maybe I won't get to that last counter, I should put my tired baby to bed, put clothes in the dryer, and... take a bath?? that would be nice. I am overdue for a cleaning, that might help my mental health too. Silly mental health, NEEDING things.