forbidden substance round two

 I read a little about how adhd medication feels to patients that don't actually have the disorder, and it mentioned it might feel like a euphoria. I had been so excited about my productivity that I really worried it might cause dependence in me. 

Well lucky me, I'm on another dose right now (I've been SO tired, and we HAVE to get our house ready for the appraiser) and I had my coffee, I took my drugs, and then I went upstairs to get dressed (my period started, so change of underwear, yay). I decided to lay down for a minute, since I love my bed, and my heart was beating kind of fast - I thought, maybe it's the medication, but probably it was just going up stairs because my poor body is very weak, I generally avoid the stairs and barely walk anymore. I was playing this mobile game because it's kind of addicting, and I found myself getting very calm. Like, yes, this WILL be the last round I play, because I think I'm ready to... figure out what do do. Maybe the voices in my head DID get quiet. Anyway, I'm also finding that it's okay for me to do more things, I take small breaks when my body says I'm tired, but then I also do little things that don't make me extra tired. I've been sitting on the ground picking up the trash and shuffling around, and that works for me. (I had to get up because the dishwasher repair guy is here, so I took a bona fide break) 

I even cried - it's been hard to cry, but I found a card from my mom, thanking me for cutting her hair. God. I sobbed, though I had to do it quietly - husband had just started a meeting in the office four feet away from me, and the repair guy was on speakerphone with a support guy (the dishwasher wasn't broken, our tankless water heater just takes too long to heat up) - so I just cried on the floor surrounded by little piles, until baby girl jumped up to look at the repair guy and I had to kind of snap out of it to make sure she didn't scream on his call. I don't know why it's been hard to cry, but I was already feeling sad looking through some stuff that was mom-related, and just reading through that I was like wow, so so sad, and suddenly boom, crying. Does this medicine help me emotionally regulate better too??? I think it's giving me super powers. Or my old powers. I figured out a solution to the horrible hearing aid batteries I bought (each battery has to be cut out of the plastic with scissors - so I put a pack worth in the old packaging that just... opened). I thought, I really wish I could vacuum up some of this trash, so I did. I started a load of towels because it was hot for a few days and we had very damp towels from pool fun. I'm about to go put them in the dryer, because... I can. It's like it helps me remove barriers, and I LOVE it. Incredible. 

Anyway. Bathroom break and towels and lunch for recharge, then I think I'll go to the store and maybe pick up dinner?? I want to clean and I CAN clean, so hopefully I'll do a little more of that, too. I just need to actually take care of myself, too. Eat some carrot sticks? Heh.