you're just sick, you're not crazy

 Sometimes I get this feeling like maybe there's something really wrong with me. Why can't I ever do what I want to do? Why am I so tired? Why can't I just be happy, why do I have to work for tiny tastes? Why is living so HARD? Ugh. I guess I'm feeling restless - my baby needs a diaper change but won't let me change her, my kids are holed up in their rooms, I don't want to do anything including read my book (sad face)... I guess I have done things today. Did a lot of grooming tasks I've been putting off - including cutting my hair. Normally I love a haircut day, but I don't know, it doesn't feel very fun today.

I guess I'm thinking about Mom, too. Husband brought up his mom casually, talking about the movies she likes to watch.... my mom loved watching movies. I remember going to the theater a lot with her - sometimes to little theaters in the city so we could watch a couple indie films. My sister visited briefly yesterday and she mentioned, maybe it's the mood stabilizers but after two years of missing mom, she's not feeling that sad. I am though... I'm sad all the time. Like maybe it's just regular depression sad, autistic burnout sad, but my emotions are a wreck. Happy for a few moments, sad for a few hours, a little happy, a little sad, a lot sad, a little happy. Quite a bit of numb, too. Sigh. Maybe I'll read my book anyway and try to forget about anything else (like the fact that I'll probably need to find clean jammies for my baby, and maybe sheets for her bed....)