writing every day

 Did you know...? 

It's funny because why would you know? But also I used to write in my journal every night. Partly because I thought it was like, practically a commandment from God, but also it just became a nice daily ritual. I always wrote something before bed. Even if it was a few sentences - about how I was tired, how I felt like there was nothing to write about, promises to go over exciting events the next evening because it was soooo late I simply had to get to bed. It was nice. I spent quite a few years writing every night, with only a few skipped days, but like a lot of things, that stopped around when I started having kids. I mean, I think I tried more with the first, but as I got more and more tired, everything was harder and fewer things, like journal writing, felt like it was worth expending energy. 

I'm making lists of things I think it would be fun to make with my kids though - baking has been tough, but also my kids like to do a lot of it, and we did some cleaning over spring break so I have a little more counter space (though naturally I keep filling it up - like I still haven't put the griddle away from when I made pancakes... uh..... a while ago). I feel like maybe I can actually clean a little bit... when I'm not feeling sad, that is. 

I've been feeling a lot of sadness and anxiety lately. I don't love it! Obviously I'm sad because of my mom, I was thinking about the disconnect between how I've been remembering her, and how she actually looked the last few times I visited (and in her casket, sad face). We were so excited to live close! Only two hours away and we had a GUEST room. My parents could come all the time! Except then they couldn't. I'm thinking about inviting my dad up for stuff, though he's not a big fan of traffic. He probably wouldn't want to spend the night, but it would be nice to have him come up here sometimes. Maybe. It's weird to visit their house, where my dad and brother live but there's almost nothing else there, and they both prefer to spend time in their rooms. Then again, there's still the backyard and dubiously safe play structure. Maybe I'll ask my oldest brother to inspect it if he ever comes to visit.... I don't really know if I want to drive three hours just to see him, but I am kind of hoping to drive down that way to adventure and see my middle brother. Go down the Oregon coast and see the things that I remember, and then another year we can drive around the Washington coast and discover new favorite places. 

.... Or we could just stay in Washington I guess. I still haven't taken the kids on a ferry yet, which feels like a serious failing on my part. I LOVE a ferry ride. But did you know that you have to pay per passenger even if you have a vehicle? The kids I think are free but only one adult gets a ticket with a vehicle. Rude. I've thought about walking on, but some of the closer ferries it would be kind of fun to explore the other side of the sound... Whatever man. I don't know. I can actually drive to some of those places just about as easily as going to Seattle for the ferry. Maybe we could drive to the other side of the ferry, ride to Seattle and explore a little bit, and then pay as walk-ons to go home. I think they only charge going out of Seattle. A little weird, but easier than round-trip tickets I think. 

Okay I think that's enough for now. I feel a little better I think. Letting some of my emotions out... there's probably more easily accessible, perhaps healthier ways to express emotions but here's what has worked so far. Better than nothing probably. Sigh.