well poop

 I haven't written a single thing since the last time I posted. Well, maybe a couple social media posts and discord messages. Ugh. Maybe before I rot my brain with video games, I'll start a doc for it. I might also read instead of rot my brain, but.....

The author I'm reading, I just read like three of her other novels and loved them, but naturally the dedication is about how close she is with her mom and I just.... waaaaahhhh I recently ran across a picture of my mom a few weeks before she died, before she stopped really opening her eyes, and it was so shocking. Like that's not who I'm grieving, really... though I looked again and she is trying to smile in one of them. God I miss her. Yesterday at the park I thought I might start crying. Most of the time I don't... think?... I feel like overwhelmingly sad, but often it's the little transition moments, where everything feels like too much. Standing in the kitchen trying to decide where to start with cooking. Sitting at the park watching my children. Walking through the grocery store, checking the price per ounce to find the more affordable option. We're visiting my dad tomorrow, at least briefly, and in the past he would sit in his room at his computer while the kids played. Not that my mom was always playing with the kids, but she was there, you know? I'm pretty sure it won't be the case, but it feels like taking my kids to play at a house where no one will be home. Should we just play out in the backyard? Treat their house like a playground? Will the table be more cleared off, or much the same as it was, just without mom's stuff? 

The last few times I visited the house without her there, I was alone. This is the first time I'm taking the kids since she's died and... maybe it's a good thing there will be Easter and spring break after because I suspect the kids haven't had a lot of opportunities to grieve my mom. Just the viewing, which maybe was enough. Maybe we should visit her grave site... even I haven't done that. I've been avoiding it - saying I didn't really want to, but I suspect I haven't wanted to because I'm avoiding it.