the forbidden substance

 so I might have taken a small dose of ADHD meds for the first time today and... I felt incredible. Like, still tired, but also motivation turned into action. I could function in spite of my tiredness, and I didn't feel as heavy. I think also that changing plans didn't make my brain hurt as much, either. I can't remember the exact instance, but I did have to adjust plans today and I felt fine about it. I even took my baby to Goodwill and it wasn't terrible. I *played* with her. Picked her up and balanced her on my head. I entered two grocery stores (with very short lists, but I walked in to both and had to walk around), I put away most of the groceries, I did laundry, made myself a reasonable lunch, took the kids to Goodwill, and still made dinner! But now I'm supah tired. My legs are tired, my muscles are sore. Even that isn't bad, necessarily. It kind of feels like when you've been working hard and you feel pleasantly sore. Not everything is awful and my body is a pile of aching nerve endings. Though my ankle/foot has been hurting, that made it kind of tough to walk around the stores. I feel more like myself today, which is a feeling I might not have had for.... a very, very long time. Wow. 

As a side note, I start jury duty probably tomorrow. Here's hoping it's short. But if not it's fine. I'm just glad I have an early group number so I should know tomorrow whether I'll need to cancel the Wednesday therapy appointment (and arrange transportation for youngest to get to school!).

I re-read my first sentence and I want to say, I felt incredible in that I felt like I could actually live my life after being so tired and burned out for so long. I actually FELT. It wasn't like trudging through the day, and I wasn't hyper focused or anything. I had something like energy. I actually talked with my husband about things. Oh! I forgot that I also portioned and froze the ground beef tube I bought like a week ago (best before the 28th!), wiped the counter down after since I kept getting little bits of raw beef everywhere, and scheduled a doctor appointment online. Put the clothes in the dryer like a responsible-ish person. Took out the trash, to the outside bin. I feel like a human. Not a super productive, functional member of society or anything, but someone who has energy to care for tiny people and maybe even myself. Wow. What is that even like?? (Unfortunately my appointment isn't for at least two weeks, and no guarantees that I'll get meds either. I should get my blood drawn, but maybe I could have just a few more doses? Does that make me substance-seeking?)