it's a beautiful day!

 The sun is shining! The weather isn't too warm! It is simply lovely outside. A perfect spring day. I can't figure out how to spend it outside though, because I'm tired, but I still enjoy seeing it through my windows, so it's not all bad. And I took my almost-birthday-child out to their favorite coffee shop, so I got to enjoy it a little then. Maybe I should look into scenic drives - a little more expensive with rising gas prices, but still possibly fun. My other ideas for today involve getting donuts at the grocery store (or ice cream) and watching Hamilton or something else as a family. Family time maybe? We'll see.

In spite of getting coffee (we get a flight, so a small sampling of four different seasonal drinks), I'm still tired and undercaffeinated, so I had a little more coffee. Maybe I should pull a Father and get my headphones, play some music, and clean. I've been wanting to tackle some of the floor mess, because I swept out the bathroom hallway and it's been really nice to have a clean space. I like not stepping through crumbs. But I'm SO TIRED. I went to bed late and woke up earlier than I wanted to, and of course my baby came in and slept with me. She's so cute, but I don't think I sleep very well after she comes in. I do like waking up to her tiny sleepy face though, so I have a hard time trying to stop her. My baby. I love my little people so much, they are really the best. I don't know that I'm a great parent but I try and let them know that I love them and think they are the very best humans on this earth. 

Maybe I should go outside and sketch. That sounds relaxing, doesn't it? Find a little wildflower, or just mess around with colors. I did one of those zen tangles the other day and it was a mix of frustrating, tiring, and really satisfying. And I enjoyed the results (while they lasted, I did it on one of those erasable drawing pads, so I had one of my kids take a picture of it heh). 

All I really want to do right now though is lay on my couch and read on my phone. Well, mostly because my current read is on libby and kiddo stole my phone and no, I haven't synced the account, though I thought about it before handing my phone over this time. That's progress maybe?

I saw this video of a woman making a stepping stone path through her garden to the soundtrack of Stardew Valley, and it even had some of the sound effects from when she pulled things out of the dirt or placed the stones, and it reminded me of how I wanted a Stardew Valley life. Maybe my problem is simply that my energy bar is too low to properly do anything. Hmm. Kind of makes me feel better to think "my energy bar won't refill properly, so I'm having trouble completing my tasks." I wonder what I can do about it. Would a doctor visit help? I mean, it probably wouldn't hurt. Maybe that's what I'll do after this - schedule an appointment, maybe even schedule a blood draw before the visit so we can go over my numbers and discuss energy and antidepressants and overall health. 

I swear I WANT to do things. I want to get a pull-up bar, I want to do things with my body! But every time I stand up I ache and my head hurts and it's really hard to feel like doing anything after that. I wish I weren't so tired.

Oh but I had a thought yesterday, I was thinking about my mom and how much energy she seemed to have (I mean... she would burn herself out, I think, spending lots of energy on a project for a few days, and then sitting in her chair reading for a few days, but at least she'd get a couple days at a time, whereas I can only get like a couple hours if I'm lucky) - but I was the youngest of five, and she'd started getting sleep with her cpap and maybe even sleep meds by the time I was really old enough to remember. I was thinking about asking my oldest sister if she remembers how mom was when she was pre-high school, to see if I'm doing myself dirty by comparing myself to my mom. I mean, comparison usually is doing yourself dirty, but even in elementary school I remember my mom volunteering in the classroom, on field trips, and I wish I could do that for my kids. One of my brothers was difficult for her, and my youngest is difficult for me (not in the same way), so I sometimes wish I could ask her if she mostly focused on him. How she felt about that.