angry and probably swear-y

 Hah! but first I just realized I didn't write anything yesterday. Maybe that's why I've been in such a bad mood. 

Well I'm not really, but two of my kids stayed home today and so it felt like maybe I'm failing as a parent (neither was sick, I just couldn't get my baby to get dressed and my second was "soooo tired" and asked to go back to bed... for an hour). And I'm addicted to this mobile game where you have to get the arrows out of the puzzle, but also I hate myself while I play it. and....

Okay here's the thing: what the fuck is wrong with me? Something feels like it's wrong. First off, sometimes I feel fine but my brain pauses for a second and suddenly I feel anxious, sick, so sad. Like once I stop moving my brain remembers it needs to be a jerk. And second, yesterday I guess I felt too good about myself? Because while I play my dumb mobile game, my brain also says "how dare you" and I keep replaying these moments I was in public. It's not like I was being... different, at ALL, but I guess I sat in a different spot and had a couple conversations, so my brain is going back to it like "how DARE you enjoy yourself." Like yesterday was one of those days where I kind of felt pretty? Again, I didn't really do anything different or act particularly different, but I am SCORNING myself.... for........ feeling good? I don't know really, but it's definitely a hyperfixation. And I hate it. SO. MUCH. 

Maybe I need to pick up a new book. I enjoy the one I'm reading, but also it's emotionally charged and it keeps jumping between the past and present, hinging on this climactic "bad thing" that happened between the characters, and I'm hoping it's not a simple misunderstanding, but also I think it's putting me on edge a little. I hate when my books make me feel like poo. That is NOT the purpose of reading. (which... now that I've written it, may actually explain some things about the way I read, and why I hated the book Educated so much haha)

I just want everyone to really love me and be able to love everyone, is that so much to ask???