Let the sorrow flow

 Do I want to pass out? Throw up? Have a big heaving ugly cry session? I definitely feel like I have some emotional... constipation. Some feelings that want to come out but feel stuck in my throat. What is emotional fiber? Do I need to meditate or write a memoir of my mother? Watch a sad movie? 

Every time I try and do something, I feel so heavy. Like everything is extra hard. Kind of feels like a depressive episode, to be honest. Except when I'm playing video games or reading, like, I kind of want to do stuff, it's just when I try and do physical things, or responsible things, that I'm like oof, this is so so hard. Dinner? Planning? Actually maybe anything responsible, like filling out forms for the kids or scheduling appointments. I've had a hard time. 

I took Second Child to a local coffee shop before their taekwondo class, and even that was kind of blah. The drinks tasted okay (they do a monthly "flight" of different caffeine beverages), the quiche and banana chocolate loaf tasted nice, but also I didn't actually want any of it. Or maybe it was more that I wanted to have my boring vanilla creamer instant coffee. I don't know... I don't like it. Sad face. Just let me enjoy some time with my kid, brain! That was very rude. 

I could probably do one thing today, aside from what I've already done and like, making dinner (which sometimes counts, but today I think I can do a little more) - but I'm not sure which I think will help me feel, uh, content. If I sweep everything into a pile again, would that be good? Clear out the recycling? That might be nice actually, we've got a bunch of recycling stuff in the way but kept forgetting to put out the bins. Hmm yes definitely an option. I also contemplated clearing off the table... but I'm not sure I want to do more trash. So much trash. makes me feel like a bad environmentalist. Sigh. 

I miss my mom.