Have it all

 I just read (ripped through) this delightful book where a woman writes screenplays and accidentally writes an Oscar-winning script, and in a way she ends up having it all. Now... I know you can't *really* have it all, but maybe having a little bit of different things you want isn't necessarily the same thing as "having it all."... anyway, I liked it. I liked the idea that she just wrote. She wasn't perfect but she was doing her best and channeled her feelings and then let life happen. A great heroine for me - not an extraordinary person. Maybe better at budgeting than me, definitely better at scheduling, but to an extreme so maybe not not uh better. God I wish I could schedule things. I think because of my autistic tendency to be upset by schedule changes, somewhere along the line I just decided not scheduling would be easier to accept. But I can't do a lot if I don't schedule it, and... I kind of feel like I'd like to do stuff. Kind of. I still struggle with low energy, and I'm thinking about going to the doctor about it. I need to get blood work done, though, which is another fun struggle. Maybe I'll just have a friend or family member take me so I can't chicken out. All I really need is an ice pack I'm pretty sure, and I'll be okay, but I've only been okay the one time so my brain is still on high alert about it. 

My kid heard about a mermaid festival from a friend, and really wanted to go with the friend. And while I think it would be fun to take the family, I also... feel like it's too complicated. Remember the stuff?? I want to do things, like drive to a fun festival! Or go to the children's museum! But one is an hour away and we have conflicts, and the other is like $100. Probably more, thanks inflation. I guess driving is more expensive now, too, and I have to drive to Federal Way unless I can try and put myself on a waiting list for an independent place closer (and weigh the pros and cons of trying to switch therapists - we had a junior member join our sessions for like a month and a month later my baby is still asking about her and saying "(name sign) not here!" 

She's signing so much now. I really, really love it. Maybe instead of playing Stardew Valley I can do a youtube lesson on ASL. She sleeps with me almost every night, and this morning she woke up, made faces at me for a minute, and started signing away. Pink, woman. Blue, boy. Good morning. Good day. Good moooooorning?? (she signed morning silly) What a delight. 

The other night we were at the church with a bunch of whiteboard markers and she drew a couple connected rectangles, and in one she wrote Mom, and in the next one she drew six hearts. It was cute! We did a bunch of stuff, wrote hearts and names and colored in things, and then she started slowly erasing hearts. I got a sense it was like a video game - I was losing life! And yep, after the last heart she signed "mom dead" and I pretended to be dead - she INSISTED I pretend to be dead - until eventually she redrew the hearts. Did the same with her name, laid on the floor when she had no more hearts, "dead" until I redrew the hearts for her. What a kid. I can't believe she's mine. Admittedly, I was not in the best mood, but I was still delighted by it (I was TRYING to get her to the car before she started erasing her hearts). Anyway sometimes she still feels a little like a baby, because she makes noises like a baby and is absolutely incredibly cute and precious. But also she's a little like a kindergartener, trying to play redlight greenlight and making up games and saying silly things. 

I'm feeling a little like I'm done writing but also like now I want to wax poetic on how all my children are incredible. Like, perfection. Silly, smart, creative, funny, and of course just gorgeous. Each in different ways. Not obviously perfect, but perfect in their imperfections. Perfectly imperfect human beings, living in a devastating world, finding the beauty in it. I love them so much. They are my world right now, sometimes I try and remind myself not to be too invested in them since I need to be my own person too, model that for them, but other times I'm like "damn I really get to be these kids' mom." Heart eyes and snuggles and hallelujah hands and hearts etc etc etc. 

Maybe instead of Stardew Valley, I can get back into writing. ASL lessons and writing. Wouldn't that be cool? I think that would be cool. Though Stardew Valley is pretty cool, too, but I'm pretty sure I use it as a way to feel productive without actually accomplishing anything, which is a bummer. Like before - I do actually want to do some stuff. Something has to be easy sometime, right??