Back for now

 Ugh I'm going to try and write some things. I have a lot of FEELINGS lately... I suspect when I'm sick I don't, hmm, process grief? I don't know, I've been sick twice since my mom died and each time, when I'm finally better, it's like I'm punched in the throat with my grief. It hurts and makes it really hard to function. I can't make dinner, I forget appointments and basic needs, I'm really really bad at showering, my teeth brushing is going downhill a little, I can't keep on top of laundry, don't do dishes, barely grocery shop. I've been reading on libby but now I have to verify my library card, but I don't know if it's current since I haven't been to the library in ages. So maybe libby is gone now too. I really wanted to go on a little adventure this weekend (though one of the kids is still sick, so that's part of the reason it fell through), obviously I didn't. I want to drive to a waterfall and do a tiny hike, or check out a new park, or do something sort of free. Oh actually I had even thought about taking everyone to the grocery store (store pickup, but brief costco shop) and realized that I couldn't take everyone if I wanted to - the van still has some furniture in it from when I took the tea cup collection after mom died. Maybe we can visit on Pi Day and bring pies and tell each other how pi-derful we are. 

I feel... pretty useless. But today I have also eaten only golden brownies, cheetos, and mac and cheese, and we slept terribly because two of the kids couldn't sleep (and naturally the youngest was in bed with us, not sleeping), and of course time change bs. Not a great day to evaluate if my meds are doing their job. I recently went up on my dose because I've been feeling useless. But I guess it's probably been... I was going to say a week but now I can't remember if I started doing that before or after I had a stomach bug and missed a day of meds because I was in bed all day. I think it was before, but interrupted, so not even two weeks, which is when theoretically I should notice if there's a difference. 

Anyway maybe I'll post more. I itch sometimes to write but it feels hard too so blogging is my next best bet I guess.