hospice pt 2

I'm trying not to mourn my mom prematurely (again) so I try to remind myself that there's still a chance mom "graduates" out of hospice. Care hasn't started yet, maybe stopping treatment will help with pain and symptoms and she'll turn a corner? But right now it seems pretty grim. My dad keeps talking about how little she eats. I think in my last post I mentioned the egg? She said she has a hard time wanting to eat... but dad wouldn't cook her an egg, and she kind of wanted eggs. So I cooked her one, and she ate... a bite. She talked about milkshakes a lot (they would get strawberry milkshakes coming home from the doctor) and we offered to get her one, but dad said she can't even hardly drink those, either. 

It's ungenerous, but sometimes I wonder if having my dad be her caretaker was detrimental to both of them... It's hard for him and she doesn't do well with conflict. He really struggled. And in another ungenerous thought, maybe some things will be easier when she's gone. Probably that makes me the worst human in the world. But I guess my tears betray me - I don't want to lose my mom. But also, right now, she's a shell of herself. And I hate that, too. Right at this moment, she's in a lose-lose situation. 

And I can't seem to think about anything else. Cochlear implant? I never met her. Christmas? What's that. Dinner? For who? My mom won't eat, so why do I have to?... Sad.