a beautiful day for depression

 I was going to keep shitposting on bluesky but I decided to blog about it instead. I am NOT doing well this morning - I didn't really want to visit my parents (probably because I'm a horrible daughter!!) but we committed and this morning husband slept in so now it's almost 11 and he's not even out of bed and my brain keeps going "bbbrrrrrrrzzzzuuughhh" - like maybe more caffeine could fix me. Or is it a headaches? Do I need more sleep? I actually slept until 8:30 which, given the early sunrise, is pretty remarkable. I feel like I haven't slept in past 7 very much for a long time. But also I've been going to bed later, putting my baby to bed later, I even tried to just brush my teeth and go to bed last night but it was already after 11...

Anyway I think I'm going to try some more food and caffeine and tylenol before getting snacks ready for our mini road trip. Mom really wants my kids to pick out some toys to bring home, maybe more to claim... end-of-life planning, which she's admittedly been doing for years, but it feels more urgent since she's got the cancers and the lack of stroke recovery. She went from "claiming" things to "bringing them home," including items that she ordinarily would have wanted to keep as "grandma's house" toys.... god I'm so tired. I want to cry and throw up and curl up in a ball and never take care of anyone or anything ever again. 

Maybe I just need those extra 20mg of prozac.... thought I was doing pretty good but also maybe not if I never want to do anything ever again... technically it's in my prescription I was just on a lower dose with the option to go up. Maybe it is TIME. Or not. I don't know. I suppose it wouldn't hurt - I'm already on it. It was kind of nice to have extra though.