I Stopped Doing the Things That Make Me Happy - You'll Never Guess What Happens Next!!!

 Today is the first day of re-starting my medication... I sort of looked at the last time I posted, but it's been a while and that might have been around the time I actually felt happy and semi in control of my life. Maybe? 

Anyway I have an appointment for July to get a longer prescription/see how I'm doing, and I wanted to try and actually record how I am doing because my memory is terrible.

Most days I actually do feel okay. But more and more I have days that I feel like a failure, that I'll never be able to accomplish the things I want in life, and then last week I thought about taking a late-night drive and realized I might have a hard time coming home. That set off a few warning bells in my brain. So I actually messaged the doctor (hooray for small accomplishments!) and I was a little worried they'd make me wait until I could come in (July) but they sent me a prescription with one refill. So I made the appointment today.

I've been thinking a lot about it - I worked so hard over the winter to try and find small things every day that I could feel proud of, but as spring progressed I got caught up in the every day of life and got too tired for the little things I no longer prioritized as much. I realized just a while ago that I hardly ever do anything for myself anymore - it felt good to get shit done so I assumed that was enough. Spoiler alert: it was not. I used to crochet and write almost every day, try and actually do something musical even if it was just listening, now I read books which is lovely but I don't go out on walks and I haven't held my crochet hook in months. 

I did get a rowing machine though, and the exercise is nice. I don't feel quite as exhausted, yay! Except my brain still isn't always functioning in the executive ways it should. We've ordered out more for dinner, we run out of milk and bread, etc etc etc. 

There's just so much going on you know? I tried to boycott Walmart but walking around stores is hard to do regularly and they have such a great pickup service. I went to a protest, with friends! But that was draining too. I feel like I can barely survive! So enter the medication, and maybe even therapy again, and hopefully I'll thrive. 

I still haven't gotten a job by the way. I've been meaning to, just haven't even gotten my transcript, let alone worked on my resume (I have a sort of plan though! I'm guessing it doesn't need to be too fancy, hiring subs probably isn't like exclusive).

Okay. Until next time. Fingers crossed.