mood swing

Maybe I should find and attach the mood swing meme...

I've been irritated. I'm trying so hard not to be, but maybe that's my problem, the people pleaser, don't get irritated just smooth everything over... I was thinking about how I want to be a happy little person but maybe that's diminishing myself. I won't ever *just* be happy, right? But also, it never feels like a "good time" to push back on someone else.

I saw a theory that autistics are processing SO MUCH, all the time, that it makes processing things a little slower. I also saw that burnout often happens from trying so hard to do things a neurotypical way... So I need to slow down and figure out things a new way. 

Anyway I barely know who I am and I'm trying to live a life I built by someone who didn't understand herself. That's fun. There's a lot I love about it, but I'm not sure it all fits. Let's explore that metaphor - it's too expensive to simply get a new wardrobe, so I have to do a little here and a little there. They don't quite fit together yet and I still need the old stuff for now... Anyway. It's a tough stage. 

Today's just been rough because I've felt happy and then unhappy, and SO happy, but then down again, and it's exhausting. And I have therapy so I kind of feel like I need to earn it? Be ready etc