writing exercise

I'm going to try an exercise in feeling my feelings... 

I'm disappointed and frustrated that I'm so tired today compared to the last couple days. Especially after doing rehearsal and book club last night - I did some things for me, so why aren't I recharged? And of course it's my baby's birthday so I feel guilty that I'm behind and tired. I made the fruit smoothies, I've taken the medicine... Sad. 😥

I don't know if it will evergize me but I realized I could possibly make cookies and cream frosting... Actually it's easier not to. But I could! Fun. 🥴

Anyway. I'm sad. Am I sad because I'm disappointed? I think I'm worried that the past two days have been a very brief respite and I'll go back to being Sad Diane. It's like I can feel it in the way my legs are tired and my back has been hurting, when I barely had an ache before (I was tired but not like "back pain"). I guess I DIDN'T do my light exercises, which may be the difference. 

It's frustrating, kind of disgusting how unmotivated I feel.

But I guess it's not 100% true - I have been motivated several times today, in spite of my pain. I do get up again. So maybe not a permanent situation but still frustrating. I'm SO TIRED. I don't WANT to fill out paperwork tonight. I don't WANT to get off the guest room bed to take care of cakes.

Maybe I'll give myself permission to make an ugly cake. Or better, a "naked" cake? That might be the best of both worlds. And maybe I could write her name with a gel pen and use sprinkles... I guess I need to get them out of the pan though so they'll cool. 

Maybe tonight will be another bath night. 

Maybe I'm tired because of my period. 

It's probably depression though. Who really knows.