What if?

 Sometimes I wonder about things that I feel like I can't control. What if I hadn't grown up Mormon? Where would I have gone to school? What would my special interest have been?

Sometimes I wonder about things I still could control but feel too intimidating to pursue. What if I had a full-time job? What if I had any job? What if I had a separate bank account? What if I tried weed? What if I left everything behind? 

They aren't always healthy or good choices, but most of them I've never ever let myself consider and it sends my mind swirling. What if his behavior is perfect and my brain is just betraying me? It's kind of a scumbag. What if it really is all my fault? What if TikTok has poisoned my mind and convinced me that the only way to be happy is to be a Strong Independent Woman? 

Wow I'm listening to Spotify on my laptop as I type and these speakers are not very good. I'm not usually a speaker snob but wow. I might have to switch to my phone.

I've got a playlist I named "Angry." I told my husband the other day that I felt a little better listening to angry music in the car, and he asked "what is angry music to you? because to me I listen to heavy, raging metal." So Angry isn't quite the right description, neither exactly is vindictive... it's just... like, Big Feeling music, where we aren't afraid to shy away from our emotions. A little bit of angry, a little bit of happiness letting go, a little bit of rage against the system, a little bit of sadness for what should have been. Lots Of Feelings Playlist heh. But I like to think of it as angry music because that's an emotion I'm still trying to unlock in my life. 

Ooooh maybe that's what I can talk about at therapy (t minus 30 minutes) - showing anger to my kids in a healthy(?) way. I don't want to necessarily be angry WITH them, but I wouldn't mind showing them that it's okay to be angry, except I don't actually know healthy ways to be angry. So I could discuss overcoming my people-pleasing tendencies in parenting (and if that's actually a thing). Like can I draw a line between "giving everything for my kids" and "self care." Obviously if it was easy we'd all be doing it, but still she might have some psychological insight. 

I'm sitting writing on my daughter's bed with my back leaned up against the wall, oof, that's uncomfortable! I hope she doesn't mind if I borrow her pillow... or her room. Husband hasn't showered and I don't want to lock him out of our room so I can do my therapy in peace. 

I just remembered no school on Monday! Woohoo! Love a day to sleep in. Waking up at 6:30 is a bummer. 

GOD I'm so resentful. My favorite "swear" is also GOD. OH. MY. GOD. It's such a great swear. 

Alright I think I'm gonna dink around until it's time for therapy. It's been fun, blog. See you next therapy appointment (hehehe jk probably).