clickity clackity typity type

 I put my older kids to bed and saw my (uncharged!) laptop upstairs and, since I have therapy tomorrow, figured it was time to blog! 

Honestly, I'm tired. I've felt kind of worn down today... like what's the point of therapy if I'm just going to keep living this tiring life? How much can mindfulness really improve things anyway? 

I had a couple days after changing my meds that felt good! And then it stopped and I've been anywhere from mid to down since then. So do I need to try a different medication? Should I explore other diagnoses? Visit a psychologist? I don't think it's bipolar, but there were a few times when my "good days" felt like mania (I might have purchased some vitamins and I'm still not exactly sure what I was meant to gain from them, yikes). My therapist mentioned bipolar once and I haven't stopped thinking about it. Like.. it's not REALLY hypomania, probably, and the incidents are SO far apart that it's hard to imagine it could be anything besides depression, but if it helps me find a way to feel better, I'm willing to explore it. I'm ready to fry my brain to change its chemistry/plasticity, that's how done I am feeling right now. IT'S NOT A GREAT FEELING. And I'm so TIRED.

Oh so I did see the sleep dr, he said my cpap was working great! He said the target was less than 5 incidents per hour and my data shows .6. Woohoo! Too bad I'm still SO. TIRED. I told him that I'm still struggling with depression and he nodded vigorously - that will do it, I'm afraid. 

Oh! Another reason I wanted to clickity clackity typity type on my puter was because I had kind of a fun little story idea, and if I get on my computer then maybe I can actually write something? Maybe just start it for funsies and then write a little outline? I wrote like two lines about it when I had the chance, so hopefully it was enough to jog this memory of mine, because I only have the barest sense of what it might have been. Something about trying to change the world by being daring and then... daring to change herself and thus changing... something? Anyway. I guess it's like that song - if you want to make the world a better place take a look at yourself and make the change (hoo - bat man said that). 

I think I saw a tiktok about how archetypal stories have men saving the world but never healing themselves, and the goddess-type figures provide healing. I should go watch it again, it was pretty interesting, and definitely not that simplistic, but the idea behind it was men and women's spirituality often manifest in different ways. Pretty neat! I wouldn't mind being an emotional healer (most of the time... doesn't sound awesome right now because I'm so tired). 

Alright I think I'm going to do something mindless for a minute before maybe at least opening a document for that story. No step is too small, right? I'm sure it's something like that heh.