A look back at my day

 Talking with my therapist, one of the things she mentioned was looking back at the day to see what worked and what didn't. We talked about me taking an intentional break so I didn't feel like 24/7 Mom, also potentially being intentional with my kids since that usually helps family life go smoother if we all have a little dedicated time with each other. 

Will I always reflect in my blog? Uhhh... if it gets me to actually do it, maybe. No one reads this, right?... 👀

So I did sort of take a couple little breaks. They weren't terribly intentional, in the sense that I wasn't trying to regain my zen or anything, just playing on my phone in the guest room (with a blanket, snuggled up). But they were intentional in the sense that I was not in the same area as my kids. A couple thoughts about my day - I thought, since we have extra time, maybe we could play a boardgame together! That would be fun! But then it was lunch and I needed to eat, and half the kids decided they wanted to go to a friend's house, and then I got tired. Afternoons are useless most days. Maybe that's when I should try an intentional recharge... Hmm. I'll think about it. Another note was how melancholy I felt around dinner time. I just cooked a freezer meal, so I didn't really have to do much, but I guess the neighbor friend was inside and my husband was playing online with some friends when it finished (85 minutes later), and so it was pretty much just me puttering around in the kitchen. I felt sad, even though I didn't work hard at it, but I guess effort is only a factor of disappointment when you do something that no one appreciates. Not too long after I started eating, the baby at least came downstairs so I got her some. (I don't think she liked it much though haha, but she's a toddler, she ate some and that's a win.)

I'm a little bit sick. Mostly tired, a very mild sore throat, but also a cough that hurts a little. I think it was... two days ago? The cough hurt quite a lot, but I didn't cough as much. Today I've had a lot of phlegm and then of course talking makes it worse, so I didn't want to yell to anyone that dinner was ready. (Oh... and a kid was playing on my phone, I forgot about that. I was.... really more lonely without that than I'd like to admit. And since I was tired I didn't want to go upstairs to get the laptop that is pretty much my eldest's for a while since we gifted her a PC game.)

Does that help me see what worked and what didn't? Maybe... maybe not? Anyway it's only been a day, I can try again. I got some good news about my mom, her physical therapy is going well enough that they might move her to a facility that does 3 hours a day instead of 1. And I guess she's working on reading the clock, which has been one of her bigger struggles? So, what I'm getting out of this, is that it's definitely time to start visiting more often, because she's probably remembering better, too. 

I hope that's not the people pleaser in me. It IS, isn't it? I want her to remember me as a perfect daughter. UGH. I want her to be happy, too, but it would feel worse if I knew she remembered I couldn't visit often........ :-( 

WELL maybe I'll just leave my husband at home with the kids on Monday, or take one, while I visit Mom. That's another thing I talked about with the therapist. And then we could do something fun, have intentional time, make it a pleasant trip. I don't know if it's easier now, but a few weeks ago my sister stopped by after visiting Mom and mentioned it was HARD - and the two times I've been able to visit, it WAS hard. Hard to see her shaved head and depressed skull, hard to hear her slurred voice, hard to switch from dementia-like behavior to typical Mom attention to detail. It is HARD. Good, but hard. I'm so grateful my dad visits her every day (he might not be able to tomorrow due to snow though, waaaah). 

I think that's all I've got for tonight. (What, it wasn't THAT long, was it? Heh) Thanks for being a decompression space, Blog. Maybe I'll give it a nickname. Like a "dear Diary" kind of thing - Bloggy McBlogface. Hehe. Oops I've written too long too late and now I'm irrationally amused by everything! Abort! Abort!