Worn out

 A few days ago I had the worst day I've had in a very, very long time. Aside from a few moments where my baby demanded attention and I was able to focus on her adorable self, the whole day I struggled with wanting to be alive. Not great. I took a loooong bath and felt a lot better, for at least 12 hours. I've been tired and grumpy since but fine with, you know, living.

Christmas was EXHAUSTING. The days leading up to it and the day itself were all a war between having no energy and the pull to make the day magical for my kids. I made one more batch of cookies (and somehow we keep forgetting about the toffee, so I have that) and the kids "decorated" the tree, we got presents wrapped, Gary was able to help with stockings, and somehow that all worked out. Visiting his family and failing to visit mine was harrowing. I think that might be what has really gotten to me. And then "you can visit Thursday" turned into him sleeping until noon and then visiting friends in Portland on Friday. My sister is visiting today, I feel terrible about not visiting, I'm glad I made it down for a little bit a week ago at least. 

Ooooh I think I'll stay home from church tomorrow, that will take a load off me. Baby girl might still be sick, she's had a pretty bad cough and booger nose most of the week, so I totally have an excuse to not go. I'm not actually sure if husband will either, seeing as how he's got the sling, though I guess it wasn't too bad on Christmas eve. 

My kids are SO cute, but it's that point in the school break where I'm getting ready for them to be back to school again, even if it means getting up early. I have SLEPT IN some of these days, hopefully baby and I can make the adjustment. I have an IEP meeting for her soon, which I'm excited and nervous for. I have like, nothing to do except approve their goals, but I still feel like I should have my own ideas or questions (and I guess I have something to ask) I just... feel so lost. We need audiology support maybe, and unfortunately that's my bad. I'm not sure what's happening, her signing is improving but her spoken language is still dragging very slowly (she's been attempting to say more words but she's a little better at signing, and she tries to do that before saying things when she wants to communicate). 

well that made me feel bad, I've been lagging in my sign language learning. I guess no time like the present to start again! New year and all that. Oh, I have a headache. That's why things feel so hard right now. Dang, it's pretty gnarly, when I don't catch them until the afternoon that's bad news bears. 

Anyway. You know what else I want to start up in the new year? Therapy. Maybe see if my therapist is good with attachment or trauma or... whatever, maybe leaving the church attachment trauma? Heal my inner child or something. Learn how to feel angry. Stop being a people pleaser (like that time with my uncle, yikes). Or maybe we can figure out how to get me a job. Ugh that one feels too hard, but maybe with my therapist and hopefully the husband, we can make it work. 

I was going to write a little - oh, I realized! I have a dream to write but I ALSO have a dream to write a song/songs. I love all the music in my head and it would be so lovely to be able to get at least one out into a song. So! Hey! I have a dream! I was so happy when I remembered that. And I've only wanted to be a writer since at least the 6th grade, so even if it's just for me I want to write more. I guess I'm okay at it, if I wanted to do it for work. I wrote a lot of essays that got good grades so objectively? It's probably good? 

Sorry sorry sorry my stream of consciousness is running HARD today, it might only make sense to me, and even then maybe for a short period. Come next year I'll probably look at this and go "whaaaaat."