C is for Crisis

 I see I haven't posted recently. I took my kids to the trampoline park on Satuday (two of my kids and the neighbor were offered free buddy passes, so I took them and paid for the oldest, too), but about an hour in I got a text from my dad saying that Mom was just taken to the local stroke center. I had a couple existential crises while trying to figure out what to do in a loud park and cried a lot, but in the end we stayed another hour and had a somber drive home. Sunday we did a day trip down to Portland, but my mom had requested no visitors so I decided to give hugs and spend some time with the Kiesters. 

I've been so mentally drained since that moment in the trampoline park that I'm still not sure what to think. Some times it feels like I'm mourning my mother, even though I have hope that she'll live for at least a few more years. And it seems like every time I'm at peace with things, I think of something new that will be difficult without her. Ways she has helped in the past and probably won't be able to do again. I'll be so happy as long as she's here and happy, but it doesn't make the regrets go away. 

In case you aren't sure, I REALLY love my mom. I'm the youngest, and so she had more time for me and we really got to be buddies. We did a lot together, both at home and travelling. We went to Europe, we've been to plays and movies and museums and we talk books and have a lot in common and I'm a lot like her and I love her so so much. 

Anyway so far there's good news and bad news. She can talk, I know that much. It's only been a few days so we really can't know the extent of the damage her brain has suffered. The bad news is they weren't able to remove the clot, so there will definitely be damage. However she's stable so far, and that's good news. She's not getting worse, dad says she's noticeably more responsive on her left side than she was when the stroke occured, and that's good. She's now accepting visitors, too, except she just had a surgery to relieve pressure on her brain and they had to keep her sedated to control her blood pressure (the heart tries to force the blood to the brain, raising the blood pressure). I may not go to see her until this weekend, because I'm worried about overstimulating her precious brain. 

But really it might also be because it's too hard for my brain to function right now. It's bad enough that I have to do my ordinary daily things. Thinking about everything makes me tired and sad and overwhelmed. It's really poor timing to take out my executive function. Christmas is one thing, but just everything else - concerts, activities, taking care of mom, I can barely make pancakes. It's like I'm back to super depression. I guess it's time to try harder to see my therapist. GAH I'M SO SAD. And frustrated a little.