Almost time

 I'm going down Saturday to see Mom. My sister will be there, too, and it'll be nice to see some family. But until then, maybe after then, I feel like a mess. There's concerts and solar panel installations and surgery and CHRISTMAS (and of course taking care of my mom and wondering if we need to take care of Dad, too). Girl scouts and birthday parties and church I guess? Figuring out holiday plans? I wonder if my in-laws would take in my dad and brother(s) for the day... God I bet my  mom hasn't had a chance to make cinnamon rolls either, what is Christmas without her cinnamon rolls? I wonder if sister and I could make them and leave them in the freezer.... Maybe I could bring down some of their favorite cookies? Like Dad loves nanaimo bars. I'm not sure which ones my brother loves but we have a real easy cookie that I was planning on making for my kids, I could at least bring him a few. 

Maybe now I'm trying to be me AND my mom and that's part of why I'm having such a hard time. I might have mentioned this in the last post, too, but I'm kind of pre-emptively mourning my mom. Since her clot wasn't cleared in a timely fashion, I'm anticipating she'll be very different after she recovers. If nothing else, I'm anticipating her having much more limited mobility.

I guess, in a sense, I'm prepared in the sense that I've had to lower my expectations due to depression in the past. Sometimes when you're used to many things, you have to pick one and do your best to find what joy you can in limited effort. We may have to do that with Christmas. Maybe I'll need to have my two oldest, non-santa believers help pick out things for the stockings (and pack them?). My husband will be out from surgery so I'll probably need help wrapping, or maybe we'll do more gift bags this year. Maybe we'll get a ton of dumb little toys so at least they can enjoy the day and feel like they're getting fun stuff. I don't know. 

Anyway there's a lot on my mind. I think writing it out helped, at least a little. I'm still not sure how to deal with Mom but I'm hoping seeing her on Saturday will help me with my mental anticipations/expectations. I really love my mom. And of course I love being with her, but I also loved how she was so capable and helpful. She's gotten us through a lot of really tough times. Of course I want to repay that love and kindness, but also... I guess it's selfish but I'm going to miss her taking charge and planning things.