ALL THE FEELINGS

 I'm having some BIG feelings today. So much that I've started crying a little, which, I HATE crying and even when I feel like I'm ready for a good cry, I can't bring myself to actually do it. GOD. These are a lot of feelings but maybe I'll try and give myself some space to actually feel them.

I started watching some videos on instagram from Jimmy on Relationships, and between my own feelings of uncertainty, and his videos about better ways to communicate and recognize things, I started crying. I think... I want to blame everything on my partner, and it seems so unfair, but even though it's probably partially created by my own people-pleasing, conflict-avoidant behavior, I HAVE occasionally tried to communicate and felt let down after. So not entirely my bad. And I, having felt feelings and talked with a few friends/internet strangers in similar situations as me, I MIGHT be ready for some hard conversations. Big conversations. Possibly life-altering. Part of me wants to wait until after the holidays. But also, he'll have surgery soon and holidays can be a source of conflict, so maybe I should do it before then. 

Who knows? Not me. All I know is I'm frustrated, I'm confused, I'm unhappy, and I'm TIRED. I'm TIRED of feeling so much burden and not enough fun. TIRED of feeling like I can't do fun things because otherwise I wouldn't have the energy for day-to-day things. We need to eat! So how can I take my kids out if I can't make dinner afterward? 

I tried exercising today, thirty whole minutes, because the last time I did coincided with my first good mental health day in quite some time. So now I'm like IS THIS WHAT I GET FOR TRYING TO TAKE CARE OF MYSELF, FEEEEEELINGS???? 

... yeah I guess feeling my feelings is healthy too. Sigh. Maybe if I just exercise for the next two weeks I'll let all my biggest feelings out and finally start healing. UGH.