Time for some thinking

 I don't know if I should do this type of thinking on a blog post but I have nowhere else I feel like doing it so here goes! 

I find myself doing the depression thing - or maybe it's anxiety and I'm bad at reading myself? I'm low energy and I want to do something but I'm just so tired that I barely want to think, let alone actually crawl all over the floor cleaning, or running through the kitchen tidying and baking tasty treats (even though I LIKE tasty treats). So anyway I want to do things and I CAN'T and I'm being really hard on myself about it because it needs to get done? so why can't do it? Do I need to ask someone else to do it? That's hard, too. 

Example: I remembered to call the pharmacy and the audiologist but didn't do either of those things (in fact I didn't take my drugs today because I was hoping to use that as a drive to actually refill my prescription). I want to DO things - clean the room so we can invite someone inside. Maybe enough that I can get Mom up for a few nights and she can be our babysitter! Or we could actually let little friends in. Schedule a birthday party at the trampoline place?? There are SO MANY THINGS. And. I am not doing ANY of them. I can barely do little things - feed people, do a little laundry or dishes, be mostly present for my children. GOD I'm so tired.

I'm DEFINITELY not hoping that my CPAP will cure me 👀 Suddenly I'll have energy and drive and maybe can be like my mom where I get something done in between couch sessions. Or maybe I'm just letting guilt ruin my life. I don't know! Sometimes I feel like I'm on the edge of a sad abyss and I'm barely staying afloat - other times I have little moments of joy being with my precious little people and I think there can be nothing better in this life. 

I read a thing on the internet the other day about how depression messes with like... emotion memory recall? We can have something good happen but the brain doesn't see any happiness in the future? something like that. And that... sounds about right. It's like, no matter how I feel right now, when I start to look to the future I get a pit in my chest. Maybe that's it? Including future plans about cleaning and scheduling? Can I live without looking toward the future? More and more I think, I should adjust my drugs. But then I think, maybe if I microdose something, I'll be cured! (Can you tell I'm getting a little sick of all this?? I want to be CURED.)

You know, my friend told me sometimes it helps her to think about where she's feeling the emotion in her body, especially when it's so overwhelming that she can't necessarily identify the emotion. So maybe I'll try it. It's mostly in my chest (which I've heard referred to as some chakra thing). A tightness in my throat, which I associate with anxiety. The tenseness goes clear up my neck though, settling into the base of my skull and wrapping up around my head. But I kind of suspect the physical discomfort starts in my chest - my heart hurts. 

Does it feel... heavy? Am I cycling through my feelings too fast? Still trying to suppress the sadness so I can pretend I'm happy more? Perhaps I'm ignoring my autistic cues. Maybe it's... the constant feeling of not fraud. Because. You know. I kind of, can't articulate it, but sometimes I wonder if that internal dissonance is the source of a lot of my grief. I still think back to that conversation and how I'm sad that I still don't feel different. Man that was a while ago. UGH. Yeah maybe that is the source of a lot of grief.