at church

Well shoot. Every time I start to think I'm okay at church it's like.... Nope! The teacher was a little unprepared so we're talking conference first. And it's conference lesson week anyway. But testimony meeting went on and on and Alison was a little feisty and my husband got up to talk about eternal perspective and "think celestial" and I thought of Nelson's talk and now I feel gross.... I already wasn't exactly looking forward to church, and I'm supposed to sing in a small choir next week, and if we hadn't already done our first rehearsal I might bow out.... My thoughts are kind of racing and I'm SO TIRED. My husband dragged my oldest to church, saying he never wanted to go when he was 11 but it will be good socially, like she really did not want to go, and I'm worried she's going to be more resentful for being dragged. 

I was thinking about the time my husband asked me to pray, and it was a little sad because I understand where he's coming from but... It's so hard to describe to a believer the feeling of the church not being true. Like the world is falling out from under my feet. What do you think I did? I have considered many perspectives but now suddenly things don't fit. He once asked why I don't like going to church (??? which actually really surprised me that he wouldn't connect those dots), and I thought today, what if I asked him to sit in on an atheist discussion every week? It would probably seem pointless and frustrating because our values are so different OH NO. if he's Mormon and I'm agnostic/atheist-leaning, is that the way of our marriage? I like to think fundamentally we care about the same things - self-improvement and caring for others. But the way we get there, is that too different? Did I eliminate too much common ground? 

I'm so tired. Too tired. Maybe I'm focusing on the wrong thing but life has been so hard lately. I honestly think I'm only living for my kids at this point and I can't remember any of the positive feelings I shared with my therapist. Maybe I wrote a blog post after and I can read it... It might be period/PMS related but honestly that doesn't make it easier.