Blogger marathon

 I'm hoping this will be a long post! It'll either be long or I'm going to be posting a LOT. I'm going to try and blog my depression away today. I might also write some stories (only the beginning though, because that's about as far as I can get through before I have to stop, and once I stop I don't really care to start again. Hmph). 

I have therapy on Friday (have I mentioned that before? I feel like I have) and I guess I want to be prepared somehow. But I've been just terrible. I want to find something she can help with! I want a question for her! 

But also I feel like such a disappointment to her! We've talked about this sort of thing before. And I just can't do anything! Do I actually have power to change my own life or am I subject to the whims of my depression/anxiety? I wanted to take my baby to the library today but I'm SO TIRED I haven't even gotten her dressed and it's almost 1 PM. Which means my other kids will be home in not too long which MEANS I wish I had a after school treat for them. Also, it's getting close to a birthday and I've got nothing! No party ideas (well I have one, here's hoping), no presents, no cake plans... I guess I've got.... a few days. Five maybe? 

I slept through BOTH my alarms this morning. I slept through it once and didn't wake up until 7, so I set a second alarm for ten minutes later just in case, and I slept through them both! Ugh. and I'm so tired. 

I'm finding it to be a big effort just to smile at/appear interested in my children. That seems... bad. I don't love it. I'm so tired! My youngest didn't have preschool and my next oldest didn't feel up for school yet (she's been a little sick). So TWO kids at home and no energy for either of them. We got through lunch though. I might make pancakes for dinner just so I can make extras for breakfast. Maybe sometime I'll get mini chocolate chips to try and make chocolate chip waffles? That seems like it could go really well or REALLY poorly. 

Oh I cut my youngest's hair last night. First hair cut of her life. Waah! I thought I was ready because it was SO long and so tangly at the ends, but I was not actually ready. 

I'm so sad and weighed down. I want a nap, I need a bath, I would like to not have to life for a little while. Last night I was singing "what I was made for" and started crying at the end. It's been a minute since that made me feel the sad feelings. Sometimes waiting to be happy is just the WORST. Is it even worth it?? Even when I'm happy I'm not really making a difference. (I mean, let's be honest, I guess I am with my sweet children. That's why I hate when I can't give them the attention they deserve, they are so precious.) I got an email from one of the teachers and they said "by the way your kid is awesome" and I was like YES, SHE IS. 

Hmmmmmm I wonder if I just have a headache. I might just be under the weather/in a little bit of pain and that's why I don't want to live today. Anyway I have greeted my kid at the bus the last two days so I guess I should today. I SUPPOSE. So maybe I'll have Marathon part 2 later. Hopefully. I'm stream-of-consciousnessing the CRAP out of this blogger post.