Think I forgot how to be happy

 But, as the Barbie movie teaches, it's something I can be, something I'm made for. 💕 GOD I love the Barbie movie. 

I was just taking a walk (GASP!) and it was really quiet and getting dark, so it was just me and my thoughts. Sometimes I just think, sometimes I have an imaginary conversation with a friend and sort of self-therapy. So maybe I'm having a conversation with my inner therapist. Hah! I like that a lot. Maybe I'll give her a name next time. 

Yesterday was a GREAT day for me, but today was a little iffy. I had that headache, though I did take ibuprofen and allegra and one of those two really helped. I wasn't exactly down, but I wasn't really in a good headspace either. Kind of middle/low - like I could kind of interact with my children, I made dinner, I could sort of move around, but I was also pretty bitter and generally pessimistic. 

So anyway I was sort of going through some of that with Ms Inner Therapist and at first I was kind of okay with ignoring the things that weren't okay, but the more I "talked" about it to myself, the more I realized I'm not actually okay with it? Like, I'd have a breakdown every two or three years, things would get better for a little bit, and then I'd just be okay again. And I see that pattern a lot. In fact, I've been a little hyperfocused on it recently because of a TikTok I watched, where men are "blindsided" by women wanting to break up with them over a "little" thing - only it's a little thing that she thought they resolved, and then he stopped so it became a trust issue.

I don't feel comfortable enough to discuss it openly, seeing as how the internet is, uh, open and unconfident, but I've had experiences where I thought we were going to work together and then after a week or two (or not at all) things went back to the way they were before, usually with me feeling swamped and underappreciated. I guess that's more specific than I meant to be (sorry...?), but here we are. 

Gross. I'm listening to some very misogynistic James Bond dialogue and I HATE it. Gross. Yuck. I think I'm going to go somewhere else now. 

Something I can be, something I wait for... something I'm made for... something I'm made for