A new form of worship

 I've built my life as a shrine around the alter of my children

Most of the time, I love worshipping them - seeing their perfection, admiring their growth and learning, sitting with them during their hard times (even though I'm not sure I can help them through it). But sometimes I do wish maybe my life was a little bigger than just my precious children.

Almost ironically, as I deconstructed from my religion, I was learning more about attachment theory and childhood trauma, and doing a lot of personal healing... I threw myself even harder into my "role" of a nurturer. Like, I no longer believe that's my full purpose in life or that I *have* to be a nurturer, but I already have the structure and I'm good at it, dammit, so why not be the best that I can be? And really, honestly, I have such wonderful children. They are a delight. And my youngest, she's deaf and requires extra time and care, so sometimes I'm glad I'm not working so I can make sure she gets the care she needs. (Though who am I kidding? she'd probably thrive outside the home for a few more hours) It's nice to mostly schedule around the doctor's office visits, not meetings and other activities - even if I have to get up at 5 AM, I CAN get her to the doctor by 8:30 (it was not my finest decision though).

Anyway now I'm rambling, but I want to have it all. Very RUDE that I can't simply have a career that lets me prioritize my children and myself and still be a constant in my life.