Regular Posts?

 I don't have a pressing need to post, not something I think I want to post about, but I want to post more regularly to give myself a chance to sort through my thoughts. Like mindfulness, or meditation, or something. 

Maybe a public forum isn't the best place for it? but uh, oh well. It's probably not incriminating, so I guess... who cares if everyone knows? (It's me, I care, but also I don't... I think)

Although, now that I think of it, there have been a few things: my daughter asked me what my favorite holiday was and I internally did a surprised pikachu face... I'm not sure now! For religious reasons, it used to be Christmas. And it still feels a little sparkly and magical so I guess it still is? But also I feel weird about it for religious reasons, so I need to redefine what I actually like about the holidays. In general. Most of the time I resent religion, but around holidays sometimes I wish I could still go along with everything. Jesus is the reason for the season! That's why we... spend a lot of money to give gifts to each other.... Giving gifts is really fun, but damn it's definitely a dampener on the finances. I definitely think my kids deserve presents but I kind of wish we could agree to give each other, as adults, gifts of time or love or whatever feels appropriate. Draw each other pictures, lolol. 

Also, I was thinking, another tricky thing about holidays and extended family time, is I'm starting to hate hiding that I'm not Mormon anymore. I thought maybe it would be a peace to my parents, a gift to spare them, but maybe it's at my own expense and I don't need to babysit their emotions. On Sunday I only took the oldest to church for maybe twenty minutes - long enough to say hi to some women at relief society and her to get some cupcakes from young womens, and when my husband was surprised when we got home so soon, I told him also I was uncomfortable with the lesson - a talk about finding peace in the gospel and Jesus. Peace, I need, religion, not so much. Anyway he seemed pretty upset about it (but maybe I'm just projecting), and I had told him about how I was getting my familiar "church headache," and he seemed surprised about it... he's said before he feels like the internet knows me better than he does these days, and it's because I feel uncomfortable sharing my dislike of religion and the physical discomfort it gives me with him - since he seems upset with it. Like a while back I told him it was hard to listen to sacrament meeting talks and he seemed genuinely surprised when he asked me "why?" Like... what? Did you miss the part where I don't believe anymore? Maybe I haven't gone into the depths of how I feel it's borderline culty and indoctrinating, all the messages of church. It's hard to sincerely listen to the messages without hearing all the subtle things that I dislike about church. And I'm trying to de-program myself to feel personally attacked - just think of the service like I was attending a different church with a friend. The couple Catholic Masses I've been too, they weren't offensive because I was looking for what I could identify with and enjoy. I could try and do that... but it's too personal so far, so it's easier to dissociate.

Which, that was a tangent, brings me back to holidays and family time. Thanksgiving was thankfully free of anything too difficult, aside from taking care of my own family... maybe I was too busy or distracted to notice, but generally it was family stuff. But when my parents bring up the temple or lessons or faith promoting stories, I just... smile and say that's nice? It really makes me uncomfortable because I know how I should respond if I were faithful, and I'm definitely not doing that. And would Mom feel uncomfortable or compelled to share the story if I told her I no longer believed? 

Oh funny story, I was talking to someone about how I never felt the need to rebel as a teen and I kind of did feel that need now, but I wasn't sure what to rebel against. My friend suggested colorful hair, which I've wanted to do for a while now, and I replied that I was waiting until after a church performance so I could appear churchy - oh. That's when I realized. I didn't need to do that. THAT is where I should rebel - not caring what my churchy friends think if I want my hair blue! If they care that much I can wear a head scarf or something. But I shouldn't be letting what others think of me shape/control my actions. I want to do something, I should DO it. (But the school I was going to go to so I could get it done cheaper has closed, waaaah. If I hadn't waited I could have teal hair.)