not glad my mom died

 I couldn't stop reading (well, listening to) I'm Glad My Mom Died, and it was an interesting read. Heavy though. The author is still young so I'm pretty impressed she already decided to focus on herself and healing. When I was describing it to my husband, it reminded me of when I was reading Educated. I wonder if I'd feel differently about it now, I felt very disappointed that the end was so unresolved. In that sense, I'm Glad My Mom Died definitely had an ending feel to it. Like things are on the mend and maybe she can live a normal-ish life. But that poor woman from Educated was still estranged from most of her family and (from what it sounded like) barely on the mend from a mental breakdown... but I guess mending is mending. I read it when I was still pretty Mormon... I think. Maybe not? I don't remember actually. I wonder if I could find Educated on my Libby timeline to compare. Anyway I wonder if I would feel differently now that I've deconstructed a lot of beliefs. 

Technically Jennette McCurdy was raised Mormon, but not like.... super devout. And it didn't really feature a lot in her story, except as an escape and how a few of the more prominent practices shaped her past her belief of the religion. But I wondered, a little, if part of her attitude wasn't a reflection of church culture too - certain things were embarrassing or gross or how much she hated things. I thought it was refreshing a little, because I don't remember really hating anything. But I resonated with how much my image mattered, even though my mom wasn't narcissistic, because Mormons are the chosen people, so how we show up to the world matters. And also being sheltered, though it's hard to say how much of her mom's behavior is due to the narcissism and how much is the "protect your children" from Mormonism. Oh another thing I could definitely relate to in a completely different sense - the losing of self. Jennette's identity was child actress and bulimia, mine was church. So if I am not that, what the hell am I? Yeah, I'm always surprised when that shows up in ways completely unrelated to my identity crisis, but still so so relatable. 

I feel like I'm rambling, and I'm only doing it because I'm tired and wanted to write and my baby stole my phone (so I can't listen to my audio book) and also I feel like I should do something? I did do dishes today, which felt good. I wanted to do a load of laundry since we're trying to clean and so every article of cloth on the floor gets thrown into a hamper. But I'm tired. My energy bar is so low and I hate it. Did I mention I dyed my kid's hair last night? I thought I was going to die for a while - my back hurt, my feet hurt, it seemed like the strands of hair would never end - but then I guess I got over it, and I didn't even need to lay down for two hours before I could get back up again. That feels like progress, but I am REALLY tired today.