it's okay not to be okay, right?

 I had a little disagreement with my 8yo - I made her feel bad for spending her sister's robux to steal from another player, so she made me feel bad for spending her sister's birthday money. It's not the same but she's right, I probably shouldn't have. I didn't really mean to, but we spend so much on little sister that eventually I used the birthday cash to pay for groceries without intending to set aside that much in the budget. Ugh. Now I feel angry and upset, and my house is a damn mess, and maybe my life is a mess too. I need to see my home-bound mom, but instead I went north to see my car-less brother, and now I'm facing down two appointments for little sister through Seattle traffic and I'm not sure I'll want to make the trip down this month. Every month I don't see my mom, I feel like the worst human, because who doesn't visit their cancer-stricken stroke-recovering parent?? I keep thinking maybe I should try and go down more often without the kids, but I'm tired, my husband is tired, and as much as I love love love my parents to pieces, it's not a relaxing visit. Best case scenario I sit in a folding chair by my mom's hospital bed, in the middle of the living room, and chat with my mom. 

It doesn't help that I'm pretty tired now. Little sister climbed in bed with me some time in the morning, and she slept which was nice, but she tends to lock our door when she comes in, so I was woken up with insistent knocking (husband was in the bathroom). And not long after little sister stole my phone to play roblox. I though after a few weeks the novelty would wear off, and there were a few days she mostly played or watched tv, but most days she spends at least a few hours on roblox, and some days I hardly see my phone. Like... maybe that's good for me, but it's still frustrating because I miss texts sometimes, and I read and sometimes even play on my phone. I'm reading Powerless, though, which my 13yo has been hounding me about, and that's been fun to read with her and talk a little bit about our book exchange. 

Yesterday I bought a billion strawberries (it was a single flat) and went to the store to get containers and pectin for freezer jam, which I'm SUPER stoked about actually, but I totally forgot that I ran out of creamer so I went to the store and everything but had mediocre coffee this morning. (Lucky for me, I guess, we had bought some whipped cream in a can for ice cream sundaes, so I put some of that in my coffee. Not the same as cream, but it wasn't bad.) I don't plan on going to the store today, though who knows really, so tomorrow I'm thinking about trying whipped coffee again and adding whipped cream to that. 

Okay I think I've calmed down a little. Gotten my racing thoughts out of my head. Our house really is a mess, but whatever I guess. I'm not a terrible person, I'm just a person, imperfect and trying to carve out a little happiness in life.